M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Randomize
