Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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