You kept calling me your small dog last night.
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Randomize
