a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
Randomize
