I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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