Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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