did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
She played chubby bunny with our cocks.. She got 4
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
Randomize
