They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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