Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
Randomize
