Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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