yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
