All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
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