I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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