I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Randomize
