I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
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