I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I just saw a girl play flip cup with only her tongue
I'm in love
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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