Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize
