I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Randomize
