I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
