he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
Randomize
