you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.