i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.