you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
These Dirty People Haven’t Told Their SO About Their Kinky Fetish
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
This is Why People Stop Sex Halfway Through
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."