so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
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I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
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The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night