This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
Randomize
