I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
