I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
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