i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
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can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
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