May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
