I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
