"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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