She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Randomize
