so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
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