If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
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