piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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