Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
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