my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Randomize
