you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize
