There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
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