Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
Randomize
