Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Randomize
