Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
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