ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
