dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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