People in love make me want to vomit
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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