Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Randomize
