i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
How does one acquire holy water?
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
