could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
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