i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Randomize
