I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
She actually asked me 'is it in yet?' I deleted the vid.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
Randomize
