just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
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