I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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