apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
Randomize
