he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
Randomize
