i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
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