I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
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