If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
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