I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Randomize
