I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
Randomize
