you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
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