dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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