dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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