Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
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