Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
redhead is getting on the bull...again red head is getting on the bull!
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
Randomize
