Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
Randomize
