Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
