The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
And my parents said I crawled through the house
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
I smell like Dick and happiness
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
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